i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
