Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
