my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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