Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
