You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
