When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
