oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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