im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
