My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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