I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
