And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
