My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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