Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
