All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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