I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize