i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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