I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
