Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
