I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
