im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
