I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just found puke in my bra..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We're too hungover to prance.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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