Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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