I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
