So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
