Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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