Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
