Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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