Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize