So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
