saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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