How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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