My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
