I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
