he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You were trust falling into bushes
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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