If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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