I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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