wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
