Dude my mom stole all your condoms
her vagine was all disorganized.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
