Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
