We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
