Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
