Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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