i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
