Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize