honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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