Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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