when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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