The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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