Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize