there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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