I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
