Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
