Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
