i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
