WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
