thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
