I only kidnapped one of them. chill
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
