I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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