dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
