I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
