sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
