I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
