and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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