yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
