Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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