Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
