just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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