I have demons in me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
