Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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