My liver just broke up with me...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize